Friday, March 30, 2012

I Did Not Bargain For This

I had counted on the general moodiness and
complicated Mother/Daughter relationship.
But this...
this I was not prepared for.

Excuse me while I go sanitize the front door.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hoping For A Sugar Coma

* I called Drew at lunch today because I was concerned my eardrum was actually
going to burst. 
I kid you not.
Rosa's tantrums have entered a level best described as epic.
I had to shut the windows because the lawnmower guy was outside. 
I was afraid she would hurt his ears too.
The tone and decibel at which she screams falls somewhere between
a fighter jet and the high pitch sound that only a dog can hear.*

Moving on to a more pleasant experience.

I heard on the radio that there was a new "cupcakery" downtown.
They said that there were lines going around the corner to get a cupcake and that they sell out by
the end of the day everyday.
If you know me at all, you know I need to be there immediately.
If you don't know me at all, it's not because I am a cupcake fiend.
I just gravitate towards anything that gives the hintiest hint that our city might
be cooler than I think it is. 
No offense Cincinnatians.  You are totally cool.
So, we made a date with Daddy to meet for a special cupcake lunch!
(it happens to be located just a block or so from his office)
My hope was that the sugar would keep them awake just long enough to get home,
 and then they would crash out for nap time from extreme blood sugar fluctuations.
Stop.  No.  I don't need a parenting trophy or anything.
Your respect is enough for me.
(see above note if you need a reason why I might think this way on occasion)
So, we picked Emmy up from preschool and headed downtown!
I made them eat a banana on the way.  I'm not fully crazy.  Yet.

Rosa was really excited for this special adventure.
No, I mean reeeeallllly excited.

Emmy flashed me her blue steel before school, so I couldn't back out.

In all of the excitement, I totally forgot to take pictures once we got to the cupcakery,
but I did manage to capture the ooooohhhh coming from Emmy when she walked
in to see wall to wall cupcakes.

It was a lovely adventure and I could really use one of those cupcakes right
about now if ya know what I mean.

I eat my feelings.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Scream You Scream

I think it looks like Rosa is dictating what Emmy should be doing to better serve their customers.
Which really just makes perfect sense, because Rosa fancies herself CEO of all operations.
And yeah,  Emmy is wearing her pajamas to the mall.
My battles are wisely chosen these days.
One day when she tries to go to the mall in a too short mini and I refuse to let her,
and she threatens to run away because I'm mean,
I will remind her that I used to let her wear her pj's about town.
And then I'll show her this photo and threaten to use it as my Facebook photo and then
post almost constant messages of my great love for her on her page.
Until she tells me she loves me and then changes into sweat pants.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Judge, But Don't Judge Me For It

The other day it rained. 
So, I gathered up the ladies and headed off to
our favorite children's book store.
Along with everyone else in the city.
I find this many children in a small location a little bit overwhelming.
Like getting swarmed with bees.
I guess I will never be a preschool teacher,
or a mother of 5. 
You are welcome, 3 children I will never have.
In this large a group, there are always a few question marks going on,
that I just can't wrap my brain around.
First we have the 2 small children who have been left
to play trains on their own, while their mother
browses the adult book store on the other side of the building.
And for the record, I'm not the only one who was judging this scenario.
Another mom commented out loud of the inappropriateness.
Something snarky like, "Do we really think 3 is an age where children should be left on their own?" 
No one answered her, for fear of public snarkery, but we all nodded in our heads.
This is why I blog.  So I don't have to say these things out loud,
but still get to say them pseudo-publicly.  It suits my passive-aggressive nature.
Then we became aurally assaulted by a French woman who insisted on shouting things to her children
in French and then looking around the room for applause.
Utiliser votre voix calme!!!
Come to think of it, maybe she she wasn't actually French, just fluent and really excited about that.
Then she inexplicably sat her two kids down and removed their shoes and socks.  Why?
So, they could run around on dirty floors and scream (in English) each time they stepped on a
wind-up back flipping gorilla.
And finally we encountered the always present kid with the runny nose.
No, not just a runny nose.  I wouldn't take offense to your average runny nose.
It's the 1.5 year old wobbling around with 5 gallons of goo oozing down her face. 
This scenario never ceases to amaze me.  I just can't understand.
The Mom (or Dad - I'm not stereotyping here) is always present, within a few feet of
the snotty child, just smiling away with pride.
Nary a tissue in sight.
Why do you let your child run around like this?  Do you really not see that mess?
Would you want to walk about town with your snot dripping into your mouth? 
Why is this acceptable?  It's everywhere!  I'm telling you.  Is this some kind of hippie
population of parents who take offense to cleaning up the  natural process of eliminating toxins?
Is there some kind of mind altering BPA in a Kleenex that I am unaware of?
Yes?  Well I don't care!  Wipe your child's nose! 
It is unacceptable for me to walk out of a children's bookstore with non-genetically related snot
on my shirt cause your kid wobbled into me and wiped her face on my sleeve while you smiled
and mumbled something about aren't they so cute at this age?
No.  Not cute.  It took all my internal powers to not say something like
They are precious!  Hey, I have some tissues in my bag if you'd like one.  Since you have insisted on bringing your clearly sick child to a children's bookstore to spread her germs across every Thomas vehicle and that stuffed camel she was just licking, I thought you might want to use a tissue to dry your
tears of joy while you watch your precious daughter infect 24 children with her
 excessive quantity of snot.
Wanna be friends? 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Thoughts on Gardening and Popcorn

We were discussing our plan for a vegetable garden over dinner.
I was explaining to her that last year's garden wasn't very successful
due to all of the deer that munched on our veggies.

Emmy:  Why don't we just put a NO DEER WELCOME sign up?

Same night -  Having  popcorn for dessert all snuggled up on the couch. 
The girls were fighting over who held the popcorn bowl.
Rosa did not like our suggestion.

Rosa:  I don't want it in the middle, I want it in MY middle!!!

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Story of Rosa and Jack

Once upon a time...
We were outside blowing grape-scented bubbles on a warm March day.
As Rosa squatted down to pop a bubble hovering patiently on our porch
she met Jack.
It was love at first sight and she squealed in delight!
(don't be jealous that I can rhyme, you too can do it at anytime)
She followed Jack around the porch as he struggled to get away from her.
She was relentless in her love
Though, she lost him several times, she always managed to find him again.
Finally he succumbed to her charm and climbed up on her bubble-popping stick
and let her carry him around the porch.
They had lovely conversations...
Jack, are you enjoying the bubbles?
Jack!  Jack!  Why you not talking to me?  Jack?
Well, it was mostly one-sided.
And then she gently laid him on the ground
as she ran to pop a giant bubble.
And like a Shakespearean tragedy, her departure left Jack so devastated
he slain himself under her shoe, so they shall never truly part.
(lifting up foot to examine squashed ant)
Oooh.  Goodbye Jack.
And then she went inside to eat lunch.

The End

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Actual Conversation

(Driving down our street on the way to school)

Me:  Hey guys, look there's Miss Dee and Gabby!
Emmy:  Hmmph...How come Gabby doesn't have to go to school?
Me:  (through squinty eyes and a bit of concern)  Umm...because Gabby's a dog. 

Emmy:  Hey sis, did ya know animals don't go to preschool?
Rosa:  OoOoOohhhhh.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"May I pay for your dry cleaning?"

Changing a very messy diaper
in the trunk of your car
on a terribly windy day
does not bode well for anyone involved,
including innocent passers by.
My apologies.
And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Gratuitous Photos

Valentines Day Pictures...
to remind me of LOVE
while we are transitioning Rosa into her toddler bed.
Now, please excuse me while I go find
the Velcro and bungee cords...