Thursday, March 31, 2011

Should I Be Worried?

Emmy:  Hey...which one of us, you, me, Rosa or Daddy would be the most delicious to eat?
Me:  Umm...why are you asking that question?
Emmy:  (promptly running out of the room)  Oh...no reason...

And I'm sleeping with one eye open tonight.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Where I Underestimated Her Sorcery

So here's a lesson from me to you:  don't mock your child on the internet.  The internet is a sneeky little thing.  Apparently it sent its' peeps to my sweet little Rosebud and informed her of the "fake cry" post I recently made and well...she doesn't take things lightly.
The girls have been sick for the last week and a half (I blame all the evil parents who bring their sick kids to the children's museum, and then text away while their germy little spawns sneeze on everyone, but that's a whole different tangent).  Yes, I like to lay blame when my kids get sick.  It helps me cope. 
So, needless to say, we've been cooped up in the house for a good while (because I don't take my kids out to child filled public places when THEY are sick!  And I'm done).  I decided to take them on a nice long stroller walk around the neighborhood to get some much needed vitamin D.  This was a few days ago when it was warm.  I went on a longer path than usual cause Mama needed some exercise.  At the furthest possible point on the walk, and in front of the only group of kids/Moms that we had passed, Rosa decided to projectile vomit.  Yes, she DECIDED to.  At that moment. For revenge.  Don't underestimate her.  And I'm not talking your run-of-the-mill projectile vomiting.  I'm talking thunderous amounts exploding on everything in a 5 ft. radius.  Herself, me, the stroller, some unfortunate person's yard.  All to the chorus of "eeeewwww" and "gggrrrroooooosssss" coming from the kids across the street.  I could actually feel the other Mom's eyes of judgement beaming down on me.  I cannot believe that woman would bring her vomiting child to our neighborhood.  My children would never do that.  I taught Kiki and Blake to hold it in when they were 6 months old. 
I don't know about you, but when I'm dealing with that much goo, I have an internal struggle with the nurturing instinct to pick her up and hug and comfort her, mixed with the save-myself instinct of holding her as far away from me as my arms can reach, letting her spew forth into the grass.  After doing a little of both, I took off her top layers, cleaned her up with the inside of my now ruined fleece, swung her onto my hip and took off like a banchee running down the sidewalk pushing Emmy in the stroller with one hand and holding my 26 lb. bundle of joy in the other.  That lasted about 1/2 a mile at which point I thought I was going to black out.  Despite her protest I wrapped her in a blanket and buckled her into her blueberry bagel vomit seat and took off, head down, just trying to get home as quickly as possible.  Oh hi neighbor...can't stop...vomit...out..of...breath...tell ... later...
Do you know what it feels like to have your hands vomit-glued to the spongey handle of a stroller?  I do. 

Practicing her voodoo on the innocent.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Diggin' It

If you look this good in goggles...
Well then, kick your feet up, have yourself a chocolate milk and call it a day.  Cause you're set my friend.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Fake Cry Face


Just in case you need a reference point during your next jungle hunt for the species "whineus fakeous", also found under "tantrumous nonstoppedous".  This is what one looks like.  To tell it apart from a similar species of "cryingous forrealeous", please note the dry eyes and that there is no reddening of the facial skin - a dead give away for all members of the "fakeous" family.  It is difficult to miss, even if hiding in the wild as it usually emits a noise similar to this "eeehhh heh heh heh".  This species also tends to do a stomping of the feet, flailing of the arms ritual which most people find to be quite comical and not frightening at all, unless your hunt takes you to the jungles of Kroger and then it can be a bit embarrassing.  I have found it easiest to wait out this 2 minute show of aggession at which point you can easily capture your prey.  If you choose to capture it during said ritual I highly recommend arming yourself with a lollipop, as this tends to distract this species from the impending capture.  Good luck, and wear a helmet.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Metro Conversation

Last night as we are getting the girls ready for bed...

Drew:  So...you didn't notice anything?
Me:  Notice anything about what?  The girls?  Which one?
Drew:  (gesturing towards himself, eyebrows raised in sort of a "duh" expression)
Me:  Notice something about you?  What am I noticing?
Drew:  Seriously?
Me:  Seriously?  I don't know what you're talking about.
Drew:  You seriously don't notice anything?
Me:  (looking head to toe) umm...no new clothes, no haircut, uhh...did something happen to your glasses?
Drew:  Seriously?  What would have happened to my glasses? You don't see anything different?
Me:  Uhhh....no....(feeling kinda guilty now)?
Drew:  Do you want me to just tell you?
Me:  Yes!  For the love of all that is good, just TELL ME!!
Drew:  I shaved an inch off of my sideburns this morning!  Don't I look more clean-cut?
Me:  Seriously?
Drew:  No one at work noticed either.
Me:  Seriously?  I've gotten 5 inches cut off my hair before and you haven't noticed.
Drew:  I can't believe you didn't notice.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

No, No...Look Away!

(said in the accent of a French art critic)

"Oh mon dieu!  I am a MAN cat!!! The shame..oh the shame..."

Monday, March 14, 2011

Friday, March 11, 2011

Imagination Vacation

...I so need one.  The majority of our playtime these days revolves around Emmy's very vivid imagination, which is great and healthy and I really appreciate it, most of the time.  There is a constant rotation of "pretend" games she likes to play each day.  The current cycle includes:  pretend birthday party, pretend doctor/dentist check-up, pretend school day, pretend Mom's sick (which is my personal favorite as it entails me having to lay in bed in the dark while Emmy brings me random things from around the house to "make me feel better" - yay!  The not so fun part of that one is that Rosa is usually in bed with me, where she finds it most fun to head-butt me repeatedly like a baby goat, or smack me on both sides of the face gleefully like I imagine an overly enthusiastic uncle would do to his favorite nephew to congratulate him for becoming a "man" at his bar mitzvah)...  And then there is pretend "shhh Santa is coming".  Oh sweet Lord in Heaven how I hate this game.  I think it is mostly based on my unexplainable loathing for celebrating any holiday outside of its' given month.  The game starts with us hiding so that "Santa won't see us", and then we run out, surprised to find all of the gifts that Santa has left for us.  We then have to pretend open each one, detailing what we got and pretend play with it, but then wait..."shh, Santa is coming back, we better hide", and it all starts again ad nauseam.  I've tried everything to get out of this game. "Let's play pretend Easter Bunny is coming", "How about "shhh, Cupid is coming".  I've even tried to convince her that I got an email from Santa's elves explaining that he is sick and doesn't want to play pretend today.  Nothing works.  I'm stuck with it.  Which is why I also need to play "pretend Mommy's making a cocktail".  Merry Merry!
Really, I've pulled out all the stops...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Anatomy Lesson

Overheard while I was making lunch...

Emmy:  Ouch Rosa!  You bit me right on my pinky swear!

Huggin' it out

Monday, March 7, 2011

This Has Nothing To Do With Anything...

Except that I'm feeling lazy and decided to just post a bunch of random pictures that give me the giggles.  I could post a little comment for each to describe what gives me the giggles, but again with the lazy.  So I'll let you decide for yourself...sort of like a "choose your own adventure"!  Used to love those.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My Self-Esteem v. A Three Year Old

Following a trip to Target today where the girls got "gardening" buckets ....

Emmy:  Yay!  I love my green bucket!  It's green, just like your teeth!!!

And guess who's Crest White Stripping tonight?

Winner = 3 yr. old

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Winter of Our Discontent

Here's a little joke for ya:

Q:
How many plumbers does it take to get an accurate and consistent diagnosis?
A:
Oh, wait, that's not a joke it's a trick question!!!!
Ha ha hahaaaaahhhaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaa.  Ummm....yeeeeaaaaahhh.